I like to be transparent. My prayer is that my testimonies will shed some light on the pain and sorrow the love of the world will bring. In referring to the “world”, I am not speaking of people. Although, at times, love for a person can be a hindrance if it becomes idolatry. But, I am speaking of the world in all of its seeming popularity, glitz and glamour, fun and laughter, trends, rights, political-correctness, love of money and striving.
One of gifts the Holy Spirit has blessed me with is the ability to see colors, fashions, styles, hair and makeup, see the best in others and encourage women who struggle with insecurity and feel discouraged. This gift was brought to the forefront in 1988. Funny thing about a gift…the more you use it, the more it expands into other areas, and the least you use it, the more you lose.
I had the wonderful opportunity to work for many Cosmetic companies in great stores in two different states, and to work with as well as meet some great people. When first hired into this position, I was completely humbled and not only did I question the Lord for putting me there, but others in the stores (with far more training and experience) questioned why I was there also. I excelled in all humility, completely leaning on the Holy Spirit, and used all of the spiritual training I had received for years.
These awesome gifts were extending into other areas, and many were drawn to Him through them. I took the lower position and served women daily while listening to their problems. I was very blessed. But, things took a turn when, years later, promotion was knocking at my door.
Listen, sometimes people want to promote you more than the Holy Spirit’s timing for you. I should have seen the signs and listened to the Holy Spirit, but I was drawn away by my own lust (James 1:13). This promotion turned into being exalted far beyond being able to withstand the temptations of my flesh, and more than I was able to handle on my own without the Lord.
Now, the feelings of being unworthy and the insecurity became a hindrance to the work of the Lord as it was no longer humility and relying on the Lord, but pride, money, and striving for success pushing me forward. I endeavored to be better than the manager before me.
Years into this I was so engrossed in fashion and cosmetics, no longer to use it as a blessing, but to use it for my own lusts. I am so ashamed to say the pictures on the wall of my house went from scriptures to promotion posters of the Cosmetic company I worked for (James 4:4). I did not even know or had been taught about deliverance or emotional healing, at that point in my walk with the Lord.
Years into this lifestyle and weak in my own flesh, I had turned away from the Holy Spirit which caused within me envy, jealousy, and competition (James 4:1-3). I grieved the Holy Spirit with my lust of the world, and it was not until 12 years in backslidden that I lost the position and my reputation.
Stores that had been striving with each other to have me work in their store now turned against me, and so did the women I had befriended. Many things happened in my soul as a result of this idolatry. I hope I can be honest.
In 2007 all I had done and all I had offended flashed before me like a movie and I spent hours on my face weeping (James 4:9). In all humility, I was and am still so broken over my choices. I hope I can save one from difficult choices and correction. I will now, by the grace of God, wait on His leading and will remain humble before Him (James 4:13-15).
There is forgiveness in Jesus. The gifts and call are without repentance. If I can save one from such destruction, let this be my goal. Thank you for letting me be transparent.